It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
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I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.