When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Oh thanks BBC.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Hello Twits.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
That’s what I call a flat tire
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I have so many questions.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic