Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
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“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My dog ate my work from home.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea