I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
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How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
2022 will be better than 2021
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band