My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
You Might Also Like
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
mumsnet is amazing
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it