Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
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[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I cannot stop laughing at this
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order