Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
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Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.