Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
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Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Well well well…
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants