Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
“You want me to do what?!”🤣