My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
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Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
ugh not again
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My ideal weight is five million dollars
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.