Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
You Might Also Like
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.