Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
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*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
favorite tropes as memes
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat