Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
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Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Come back with a warrant
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now