Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
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Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.