[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
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i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!