Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
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To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces