I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
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“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.