I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
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A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?