“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
You Might Also Like
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Care for your back
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
The asteroid..
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood