Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
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[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Only Americans understand
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Brilliant!
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.