Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
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My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “