I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
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Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I only eat vegetarians.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
😬
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.