Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.