God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
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10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
#ParentingFacts
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too