“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer