If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Before & after 😅
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
buying dead houseplants to save time
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?