If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
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Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Oops I deleted….
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target