My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
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Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
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