work smarter, not harder
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If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Perfect
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Everything reminds me of my ex
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?