[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
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[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
<—- homeless romantic
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
sensitive skin
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.