Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
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According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺