Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
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Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.