Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
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It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
eggs benadryl
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’