What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
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The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.