Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.