Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
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Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
How is it still this week?
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”