I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
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Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
🏙👨🏼
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”