Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
You Might Also Like
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume