HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
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IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.