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daaaaang i look good
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I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*