What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Check your privilege
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?