I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
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Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.