“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.