i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?