Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I had to Stop for this
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Alexa: *deep breath*
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
early stone age tool
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.