I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known