It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.