[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
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Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.