Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
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Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*