Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
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*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I WON A HAM TODAY
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor